They say it was a heart attack, but

the cause of death was most likely revenge.

Let’s examine the facts.

First, he was involved in business with at best unscrupulous characters (one of his associates, while meeting with a young movie producer about financing the film held said producer out of the open door of a cable car hanging hundreds of feet over a mountain side).

Second, he was widely suspected of planting a car bomb that detonated, killing the man inside the car(seemingly).

Third, he was so threatened by reprisals from many unnamed sources that he hired a full time body guard to protect his daughter.

Fourth, while having dinner with his daughter’s new boyfriend, who coincidentally (?) was the son of the man in the car cited in the second point above, he pulled a gun under the table, and get this, the boyfriend wasn’t a bit goddamn surpised by the whole thing, as he had a gun of his own.

Fifth, when his daughter defied his wishes and decided to marry the boyfriend after no more than three months dating, he arranged for a hit on his new son-in-law.

Sixth, it backfired and he ended up having his own daughter killed, sending the grieving widower off on his motor cycle to parts unknown, only to have him return years later seeking revenge. (The widower later found out that is was all a big misunderstanding, as his dad never died in that car and was, in fact, in witness protection with a new life and family.)

But, even knowing that, the widower must have still been pretty pissed off about his wife being shot like that. Plus he had a long history of drug addiction, so who knows what he might do when hopped up and feeling really depressed and angry one dark lonely night.

So, while his publicist is saying he died of a heart attack, I’m thinking that Dylan finally got to Tony Marchette.

It’s all very, very sad.

OH, OH It’s third grade

Last week one of my third graders was busted by his teacher for selling something to his classmates that he should not be selling on school grounds. Magic Potions.

It seems that for weeks now he has been charging $10, $20, and in this case $30 per potion. Now, before you think that this is one twisted kid you is taking advantage of his classmates naiveté, let me add this little wrinkle. He believes that they work.

He sold one potion that, according to him, contained the three rings of light. I don’t know what this potion was supposed to do, but it looked very much like olive oil with some seasoning in it.

This all reminds me of a, I believe, Damon Wayan’s bit where he’s talking about the rules he has for his kids. The rule is “you’re in trouble. Unless it’s funny.” His son super glued his daughter to the toilet. That’s funny.

So is a 3rd grader getting other kids to buy magic potions.

During gym class a couple of days later, this little Harry Potter accidentally hit another kid in the head with a dodgeball. As I was telling him he needed to be more careful when he threw the ball, he got inappropriately defensive, and said, “I can’t control where the ball his going once I throw it. I’m not using magic.”

I replied, “I know you aren’t using magic. You don’t have any magic powers.”

“Yes I do.” He said. “I’ll prove it.”

“Really? How?”

“I’ll make you a bet. Next Winter. I’ll turn myself into a wolf. If I can’t I’ll give up. If I can, you owe me $100 dollars.”

“DONE.”

“Now remember, it’s next winter.” He said.

“I know. If you do it before then, it doesn’t count.”

In recounting this tale to one of my colleagues later that day, he pointed out that even if he does turn himself into a wolf, he would have no use for the money. This hadn’t occurred to me. So, it looks like I get to keep my $100 either way. I may however, need to go out and buy some bunnies for next winter.