The Greatest Time in our history

All credit to The Daily Show for putting this image on television Tuesday night. I know that they had other things to cover, but they did not give this picture it’s propers when it got home. They could, no should, have spent the entire 22 minutes on this picture.

Let me break down for you the reasons this may be the greatest photo ever taken.

1.) There was a time in our country’s history where Mr. T was such a big star that the First Lady sat on his lap while he was dressed in a Santa suit. Try to pick the biggest TV star today and put Michelle Obama on his lap. I can’t do it. I can’t come up with anyone who is even close to that famous.

2.) This photo doesn’t happen unless the political beliefs of Nancy Reagan and Mr. T are perfectly aligned. That sentence is just funny.

3.) Look at their feet. Nancy has little red puffy balls on her shoes and Mr. T’s are held together by duct tape.

4.) In a world where Mr. T is Santa, everyone, regardless of their position in the world, gets Mr. T related toys for Christmas. “Merry Christmas Foo’ Here’s a Mr. T doll.” People are giving Obama shit for giving the Queen of England an iPod. At least it wasn’t an Obama action figure with the words “Gentle Giant” written on the front.

5.) President Reagan is being held back by secret service just off camera because just prior to Nancy sitting on Mr. T’s lap, Mr. T looked at Nancy and said, “Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin’ you had a real man, don’t ya? I’ll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll show you a real man.”

6.) Right after this picture was taken, Mr. T cut down that tree behind them. And every other tree in the White House. The neighbors were pissed.

7.) And finally, Mr. T and the Reagan administration have been linked in my mind and heart for well over 20 years now. I can’t tell you the number of times I went to school on a Wednesday morning really, really pissed at Ronald Reagan for having a press conference at 8pm the night before and pre-empting the A-Team. All the while they were working together.

I wonder if there’s Grant Money available for this type of research

I found myself in a very interesting situation over the weekend. I went to the Derby Festival Classic in Knight’s Hall Friday night and Freedom Hall Saturday night where the crowd was distributed in roughly the same ratios as Steve Martin’s financial disclosure.

Manager and Agent 30-35% Kentucky Fans
Road Expenses 10-20% Louisville Fans
Development of New Material .00001% Indiana Fans

I didn’t have time to put this in the Rubber Chicken graph that Steve used, but hopefully this will suffice.

Needless to say, I was out numbered and as I walked through the concourse this one thought kept running through my head. “I wonder how many of these people know that I hate them?”

I was surrounded by blue, but rather than feeling intimidated or uncomfortable, I felt excited. A lot of that feeling goes back to my feelings about the Calipari hire, but just as much of it had to do with the excitement of getting to see three of our prize recruits in action against the maybes that make up their recruiting class.

But before I get into how Creek, Hulls and Watford looked on the court I have a couple of UK fan encounters to share.

On Friday night at the Let Us Never Speak of the Dunk Contest Again event as each player was introduced, they ran out onto the floor with a T-shirt to throw out into the crowd. Good Clean Fun.

When Stephan Van Treese, a U of L signee, three his shirt into the crowd it was caught by a UK fan in the first row who immediately threw the shirt all the way across the court and then stepped out onto the court with his arms raised parallel to the floor and his hat turned sideways claiming some sort of victory in a war only he was fighting. In less than 5 minutes I got most accurate picture of a UK fan in his natural habitat, acting in the only way that comes naturally to him, like a total douchebag. I felt the thrill of discovery that Jane Goodall must have felt upon her first encounter with the chimpanzee, of seeing a creature so nearly human in its natural environment.

The second, and equally telling encounter I had with the UK fan was in the men’s room. I was at the urinal closest to the sinks and the UK fan two urinals to my left finished his business, and after not flushing the toilet, walked behind me, toward the sinks and the door that was just past them. I saw him in the mirrors over the sinks pause, look over at the sinks, extend his left hand and wave them off as if they were a waiter offering a refill of coffee that he didn’t particularly like and wanted no part of. He then continued out the door presumably smelling of his own urine.

You stay Classy, Lexington.

More about the actual game later.

Two great hates, that I’ll hate great together

The Greatest SI cover in history

Remember this?

Not since I got this issue of Sports Illustrated in the mail on May 29, 1989 has news relating to Kentucky Basketball made me as happy as I am right now.

Kentucky hired John Calapari.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do you love this news as much as I do?

I’d be willing to wager that whether you are an IU or a UK fan you are equally excited by this news, but for very different reasons.

Why are Kentucky fans so excited?

There’s only one answer. They care exclusively about winning. Calapari will win games. He’ll bring in big recruits. That’s enough for Joe Bluegrass.

Why am I, as an IU fan so excited?

Let me count the ways.

1.) There are probably four coaches for whom I have a vitriolic dislike. They are Kelvin Sampson, John Calapari, Bruce Weber and Bob Huggins. There is only one basketball program I actively hate. I was spending all this time hating UK and Memphis (because of Calapari). Now I can accomplish the same amount of hate in half the time. It’s like combining two high interest credit cards into one, low, monthly payment. Of Hate.

2.) As much as I dislike UK, I hadn’t spent much time thinking about them lately. When I was in high school I could name the player on UK like I could on IU. That’s probably due, in large part, to living so near so many UK fans when I was in high school and living near virtually none for the last ten years. I just don’t have anyone to argue with about it, so I haven’t paid as much attention. It’s also due to the fact that we haven’t had much to brag about recently. The addition of Calapari gives me new reason to amp up my dislike.

Which, based on the few back and forths I’ve had on facebook recently, has brought a whole new level of fun to this rivalry.

3.) I am, once again, reminded of the core difference between IU fans and UK fans. When IU hired Kelvin Sampson the reaction to that hiring was split roughly down the middle. On one side you had your Kent Benson crowd, the “I can’t believe you hired a guy who doesn’t graduate his players and is on probabation. This guy’s a scumbag and we have no interest in a guy like that running our program.” and, for lack of a famous standard bearer I’ll call this the Jeff Taylor crowd, whose reaction went something like this, “That stuff at Oklahoma doesn’t seem very good, but he’s our coach now and I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he’s on a pretty short leash with me.”

I went slumming on a UK message board to get a feel for their reaction and (Packer Method) I’m going to put the split there 75-25 between “HELL YEAH!!! WE FINALLY GOT THE GUY WE’VE WANTED ALL ALONG!!! WE’RE GOING BACK TO THE FINAL FOUR IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS!!!!” and “Are we sure about this? Hasn’t he been involved in some shady stuff in the, oh hell, who am I kidding GO BLUE!!!!!”

When something seems dirty to us, we question it and decide to support our team anyway, or we get completely disgusted and turn away completely. Pay attention to how your average Wildcat fan reacts to anyone questioning the integrity of Coach Cal. I wish I knew a word that meant super-defensive.

4.) I was right. About the character of UK basketball, about the priorities of the fans, about UK in general. I was right not to speak to my cousin the entire time she was a student there.

5.) And perhaps my favorite reason of all. In one fell swoop, Kentucky has given us back the moral high ground. We hired a guy who was a liar and a cheat. He drove the program into the ground and soiled its reputation. You know what we did? We fired his ass in the middle of a season with a team that could have gone to the Final Four.

Kentucky hired a real scumbag, and you know what they did? The held their heads up high once again, becasue they were going to go back to the NCAA tournament next year.

And lest you think I’m just a UK or Calapari hater for no reason.

Read This.

or this

(Hunt missed one game for that, btw)

Also, remember all those banners he hung at UMASS? Well, your memories are all you’ve got cause they’ve come down thanks to Marcus Camby and the gifts he got from boosters.

If I were lobotomized and became a Kentucky basketball fan, I’d be pissed off that 20 years after you hired C.M. Newton and Rick Pitino to come in and clean up your wire transfer issues, that you’d hire a guy who had this bad a stink on him.

Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies.