The Common Sense Manifesto

90210 Countdown Number 1: Home and Away

brothershamus — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:33:00 +0000

Season 3 Episode 10. I loved this episode so much, I used it to open chapter four of my book about the 07-08 Indiana Hoosiers. This episode has it all. Kelly’s dad standing her up. Black people used to show how they’re not all bad. Brandon and the gang curing one of society’s ills. Black guys and white girls line dancing together. Brandon, smug in his righteousness. And best of all, David. Silver. Rapping. This is episode where David performs “Switch it Up” Oh, the joy of this episode. Here’s how this gem of American film making made it’s way into a book about college basketball.

On a warm, fall, California Friday night in 1992 gunshots rang out in the closing moments of a high school football game. Two students were killed by a rival set from the opposing school. The game took place at Shaw High School, who boasted an undefeated powerhouse of a football team.
An intrepid sports reporter from another high school, a high school from Beverly Hills, with particular interest in the Shaw game, heard the report of the shootings while listening for that week’s scores. He wouldn’t have given much thought to the news of more gang violence in South Central L.A., after all this was mere months after the Rodney King verdict and he’d heard Straight Outta Compton, had Shaw not been his similarly-undefeated high school team’s next opponent. Even then he didn’t think too much of it, until the coaches and school administrators from both schools met in private on Saturday to discuss whether the much anticipated match was going to happen at all. He knew that if you could get school personnel to do anything on a Saturday it must be serious. School administrators from Beverly Hills are not very comfortable with road games to South Central under ideal circumstances, much less the week following football related gang violence.
The game was cancelled, and the dance that was scheduled to follow it was also in jeopardy. Our reporter plus his racially diverse counterpart from Shaw, struck up an uneasy, racially awkward friendship and began working together to not only cover the story and find a way to get the game played (because these things so often hinge on the efforts of the school newspaper staff) but also to end racial tensions.
The Beverly Hills reporter suggested playing the game in Beverly Hills, but the rich white people were scared of the gangs driving up to their neighborhood, so that idea was out. He then suggested a neutral site, but the Shaw reporter told his lily-white counterpart that if the game was played anywhere but Shaw, they might as well hand the neighborhood over to the gangs. White people can be so ignorant sometimes.
Coming to the realization that they had no actual power to make the schools play the game, they decided to really shake things up. They decided to each publish an editorial in the other’s school paper. DAMN!!!! In your face racist establishment!!!
But the Beverly Hills reporter couldn’t let it rest at this incredibly brave and substantive act. He used his column to invite the kids from Shaw to the dance at his High School.
His sister, who was in charge of the dance committee, his best friend, who was repping the musical act at the dance, the musical act and his girlfriend, who were also both friends of the reporter, were all super pissed at the reporter. His sister thought he did this just to ruin her life. She just had no idea of what was at stake here.
On the night of the dance a number of kids from Shaw (black kids, *gasp*) decided to accept his invitation. But they had been drinking *double gasp*. Upset that his grand gesture to heal race relations in California looked to be falling apart and landing on the ground in big drunken pieces, the reporter from Shaw says, “I just didn’t see this coming.”
“No one could have, man,” replied the Ernie Pyle of California High School Sports.
His sister, anger renewed, replies, “Are you out of your mind, Brandon? Anyone could have.”
It turns out that the one thing kids of different races mistrust more than each other is authority. And the one thing they like more than a clash of undefeated football powerhouses is line dancing to a white rapper.
The reporter from Shaw, upon seeing the sudden racial harmony and awkward dancing looks at our hero and says, “No one could have predicted this.”
Brandon, smug once again in his victory over racism and gang violence as well as the ignorance of school authority, says, “Jordan, my man, anyone could have predicted this.”
There was a lot about our next two games in Chicago that anyone could have predicted.

I hope you enjoyed 90210 day as much as I did. It was tremendous fun for me to relive (I didn’t get a chance to rewatch any of them today, this was all from memory) all of these fantastic episodes. I could have chosen to do a lot of things to do to honor today. I chose me

90210 Countdown Number 2: The Dreams of Dylan McKay

brothershamus — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:16:58 +0000

Season 5 Episode 10. The highest rated episode from Season 5. And for great reasons. Dylan is in a comma, where according the the pop mysticism of the hot red-headed nurse, a battle is going on for Dylan’s soul. Dylan dreams of a room full of the women he’s slept with + Donna. He makes out with about 10 women in a 2 minute scene. Then, his dealer, Uncle Rico, ruins things by having the girls hold him down and trying to shoot him up full of dope. Uncle Rico also pretends to play guitar. Dylan walks down a tunnel past a bum (who is really his dead father) and he keeps hearing the worst line reading in history, “Dylan, if you ever loved me. If you ever WERE my brother.” over and over again. In the real world, Steve and Brandon are playing the interfraternity flag football tournament. Brandon, who refused to join KEG house, is somehow allowed to play. But the event is nearly ruined for Steve by former KEG man and BMOC Rush Sanders. All the guys, including Muntz, love Rush, but Steve has daddy issues. Leave it Brandon to give Steve exactly the pep talk he needed, finishing it up with the most bizarre and awkward, we’re trying to be super cool hand shake ever. As Brandon throws out the horns using his index and pinky fingers. Steve acknowledges by doing the same. They touch finger tips, then touch those fingers to the edge of their tongue. The newly moisten fingers are then used to smooth out the eyebrows. One arm is cocked back and if to throw a football, while the other is extended forward. Then, in unison, they both say, “The Quan. The Burrito. Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha.” They then March forward onto the field of victory. If I was one who could be embarrassed I would sport a pity blush for the men of KEG house who have to follow these two onto the field of play. But, I’m not, so for years, I made people do this with me. This episode has cheese dripping from both the dream state of Dylan McKay and the burrito near the quan that are fueling the men of KEG house. To be better than this episode, it would have to be something special. It is.

90210 Countdown Number 3: U4EA

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 23:52:49 +0000

Season 2 Episode 15. “I’d like to exchange and egg.” Getting into a rave is easy for some, but very. Very. Hard for others. Andrea and Steve spend the entire episode trying to find the right convenience store where they can give them an egg +$10 and get the address of a big rave. It’s moments like everything in this episode that reminds us exactly how uncool all of our West Bev regulars really are. They go to the rave and not one of them looks like the fit in anywhere, except Emily, who is so comfortable there that she immediately spots and cops from a drug dealer in the room. She slips Brandon some U4EA, and he rides the high. Jason Priestley acting drunk is at least a 7 on the unintentional comedy scale, but Dylan, dumping Brandon into the back of his car and calling him “Rico Suave!” rates as a solid 11. It’s a line so horribly lame that Dylan used it in at least one other episode. When Dylan wants to sound with it, he calls people by the title of a Gerardo song. Thank God they graduated in ’93. Two years later he’d likely have been trying to make calling someone Ma-Ca-Re-NA! Sound cool. David is completely drunk, because in the last episode his best friend shot himself right in front of David. He lashed out during that episode and got drunk in this one. By the time Emily sets the float on fire in Brandon’s driveway next episode he will be completely over it. It’s too bad they buried that time capsule the week before, because this episode deserves to be shown to the people who dig that up in 32 years.

90210 Countdown Number 4: It’s a Totally Happening Life

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 23:31:08 +0000

Season 3 Episode 16. We have now reached the greatest use of the flashback in the history of the world, especially as it applies to unintentional comedy. It’s Christmas 1992. Dylan, Kelly and Brenda are in the middle of the triangle love triangle to end all love triangles. Steve has been suspended for using a freshman to help him break into school to change his grades. Brandon and Andrea come close to making sweet, ink-covered love as they both just got dumped, and they are all, save Steve who is dressed as Santa and already there, are on a bus on their way to the Alvarado Street Shelter to bring Christmas to little kids. We see all of this because an angel trying to get his wings is showing it all to his mentor angel, Clarence, in hopes that they can prevent a drunk driver fromT-boning the school bus and killing everyone on board. It’s the lamest thing in the history of TV. It’s horribly executed, and in the end the angels somehow make the drunk drivers trunk pass through the school bus saving everyone. But you know why they had to do that, because they thought they had taken care of it by rerouting the truck driver and avoiding the wreck, but they rerouted THE WRONG GUY!! They have the power to make two solid objects pass through on another, but they can’t get it together to figure out if the driver is name Craig or Greg? Holy God! Just thinking about it now, 18 years later, still makes me want to punch someone. It’s maddening. It’s incredibly cheesy. It’s EXACTLY why I love to watch 90210.

90210 Countdown Number 5: Something In The Air

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 23:17:45 +0000

Season 3 Episode 28 The West Beverly Class of 1994 were a lucky bunch. The school board passed a resolution requiring uniforms for the next year, their senior year. They were pissed, but didn’t really know what to do about it. Then, like a gift from God, Mel Silver gave the kids some champaign before the prom and Donna got completely bombed. And as we all knew, because they announced it before earlier in the episode, if you get caught drunk at prom you get suspended and are prevented from walking at graduation. In Something in the Air, the Senior class, and the juniors who saw they’re moment and took it, marched on the school board to protest Donna’s punishment and get rid of the uniforms too. They marched out of school during finals, and Brandon lectured Superintendent Eckhart. What a bunch of punks. I feel now, as I did then, every kid that marched out should have been given F’s on those tests and if that prevented them from graduating, then so what. These morons risked having to repeat 12th grade to protect Donna’s right to participate in a ceremony. Not to receive her diploma, she was going to graduate. She just wasn’t going to be allowed to walk. That’s it. She would have missed Andrea’s speech, and what a tragedy that would have been, as Andrea forgot it anyway. The whole thing was preposterous. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! Yes, she did. And she would have all along. How great would it have been if they’d flunked everyone on their finals and the next year, some of her friends were stuck repeating 12th grade while Donna moved on to California University, all because they were marching for her right to graduate?

90210 Countdown Number 6: Up in Flames

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:54:15 +0000

Season 5 Episode 13. There’s a house party, a comical misuse of the internet, a Ray Pruitt sings to stoned college kids room, every lesbian at CU, Emily Valentine and Kelly Taylor, extra-tasty crispy. What more could you want from a 90210 episode? Steve and Griffin throw a house party in a house with faulty wiring. They are told by the guy renting them the sound system and the food “that he thinks the building should be condemned. There is serious metal fatigue in all the load bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it’s completely inadequate for our power needs and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.” So, Griffin just pops in new fuses like they were Quaaludes and the party rages on. Meanwhile Brandon meets Emily Valentine while she is in town on a lay over. Sparks fly (get it. Sparks fly. It’s like foreshadowing and a reference to other story lines) and Brandon never makes it to the house party, leaving Kelly to go to the bathroom with a lesbian in the one room in the whole house that doesn’t look like it’s in an abandoned building, the screening room. Steve and Griffin are using every room in the house. There’s a Ray Pruitt room, a make out room for Steve and Valerie to attempt coitus in, none of them furnished, and there’s a whole movie theatre that they don’t use for the party? That is complete Chewbacca. That makes no sense. But it’s sound proof so when the fire starts, Kelly and Allison (the lesbian. I know isn’t it shocking?) can scream all they want it will do very. Little. Good. This starts the ball rollin toward Kelly’s cult membership which opens the door in her relationship with Brandon for Dylan to get his foot back in. If not for all of this ridiculousness we might never have gotten to see Kelly Taylor “Choose me.”

90210 Countdown 7: Double Jeopardy

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:30:39 +0000

Season 5 Episode 25. Brandon and Claire compete for a spot on College Jeopardy. They each have the most ridiculous dreams about being on the show. Claire’s dream involved question categories like “Twins” “Presidents””Minnesota”and “Chancellor’s Lackeys.” Brandon’s place him as a contestant wearing a clown costume. This episode is also the only time Jesse came close to being interesting. He moved out on Andrea and invited himself to stay with Dylan. It’s a Felix and Oscar situation, with Jesse annoying the shit out of Dylan. Never before and never since was Jesse Zuckerman Vasquez that interesting, except for the one time he yelled at Steve and suddenly, briefly, became hispanic. The moment of the episode involves Brandon sitting in the Chancellor’s office while Arnold Arnold called Claire and trash talked Brandon, pretending that Claire was the playing the dozens, saying things like “Claire says, the only way you’ll win is if the category is funny haircuts.” And reminding Brandon how many language’s she speaks. It’s perfect 90210 comedy. An honest attempt to be funny causing displaced laughter. Classic Season 5 90210

90210 Countdown 8: Hazardous to Your Health

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 18:56:52 +0000

Season 5 Episode 18. Jonesy finds Kevin and Suzanne, Dylan’s money and his little sister, Erica, hiding out in Punta Brava, Mexico. Dylan goes down to get what’s his, but he needs Valerie’s help to pull it off. Not only does this set into motion, the Dylan owes Valerie money, and it’s not enough so she gets money from Jonesy and lives in a hotel and buys the PPAD storyline, but Jonesy really gets to shine in all of his skeaviness. And to add to the awesome, Dylan races in to save Erica, only to get into a fight with Kevin who pulls a SWORD ON HIM!!! It’s Season 5. Nothing should have surprised me, but when I saw the sword fight in the previews, I was too overjoyed for words. It’s rare in a teen serial drama that a sword gets pulled, but they managed to work it in. Bravo. And the capper comes when Jonesy jumps through a window while roughly 700 Federales charge through every other egress to save the day. Why would the Federales get involved? I hear you ask. Because Jonesy told them Eric Estrada was being held captive there. And boom goes the dynamite. Plus Kelly gets further involved in a cult. The professor Finely storyline is too wonderful for words, so I’ll leave it there.

90210 Countdown Number 9: Turn Back the Clock

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 18:12:25 +0000

Season 6 Episode 16. This is a prime example of one of the things 90210 did so well. Occasionally they tried to be funny. And it was hilarious, but not for exactly the reasons they thought. It’s not the same as being unintentionally funny, like David being white, but not vanilla. It’s trying to be funny for doing one thing, but ending up being funny for how lame the attempt to do the first thing was to begin with. This tale of New Year’s Eve gone haywire, told via flashbacks to Claire, who had been out of town. The use of flashbacks was only put to better use once in the entire 10 season run, in episode number 4 on our countdown. This is probably the best appearance by the flying banana brothers, Austin and Ryan Sanders, sons of Rush, half-brothers of Steve. Steve has to baby sit them for Rush and they sneak into the PPAD and hilarity ensues. Ryan, played by young spelling sibling Randy, is the lesser ham of the two, but that bar is set amazingly low. Austin and Ryan are always ready to provide the displaced comedy in any 90210 episode, but the A story for awful(some)ness in this episode is Joe Bradley’s choice of a birthday/Christmas present for Donna. A bird he tried to teach to say, “Joe Loves Donna.” When called upon to deliver this line, he refused, but was more than willing to say, “Damned bird.” The bird escapes and hilarity ensues. But what caps it all off is this. We finally get to see Donna in the Rose Bowl parade. I’ve never been to the Rose Bowl parade, but now I never have to. It can’t possibly get any better than Donna in the parade being about to read Joe’s hand painted sign that read, “Joe Loves Donna” on one side and “Damned Bird” on the other. Also Kelly hates Val.

90210 Countdown Number 10: Squash It

brothershamus — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:15:04 +0000

Season 5 Episode 27. Great on so many levels. This is the first of six episodes from Season 5 to make the countdown and it easily could have been seven, as P.S. I Love You Part 1 and 2, just missed the cut, meaning that as much as I love Ray throwing Donna down a flight of stairs, Steve hooking up with a pre-op tranny and Muntz in a sombrero with a margarita gun strapped to his back, there were 12 episodes I love more. And Squash It works on so many levels. First, the Peach Pitt After Dark (PPAD) has been open about 4 months now and Valeria now owns it, causing their only act to flee town. With Ray gone, no one wants to come out, so the only possible solution for sagging nightclub attendance is to bring in fresh acts. And what’s fresher than a white rapper with street knowledge? David Silver comes out of retirement (it’s safe to assume that the crabs he caught from Aerial while on tour with Babyface, again, hyper realistic, have cleared up as well) to perform at the PPAD, but everyone’s favorite fry cook, Willie, has a nephew who David catches messing with his gear, causing David to say the following, “What are you doing messing with my gear, and be straight up, because I…” David is clearly talking to a black guy, because he uses his street slang. Turns out Willie’s nephew is a troubled youth who’s been involved with gangs. Which brings us to two of the best things about 90210. 1.) There are never any black people around, unless they are used to prove that a.) some black people are alright or b.) to give the gang a chance to solve a major societal problem. Willie’s nephew is kind of alright, but he’s learning the best way not to let his street temper get the better of him is to make a fist with one hand, slap the open palm of his other hand across the top of the fist and say “Squash It.” David learns this too and helps remind Willie’s nephew when some black people show up at the PPAD. David solved gang violence and managed to get the line, “Yo, I may be white, but I ain’t vanilla.” out of his mouth with a straight face. You can judge which was the harder of the two feats.